I have come to a realization.
It happened just the other day.
While putting away my kids’ toys, it dawned on me that I am not the girl I used to be. Gone is the 20-something career focused girl with hopes of securing a VP title in corporate America. She’s no more. In her place is a stay-at-home mom of two (soon three) children, who spends her days swearing at Caillou, making small talk with the checker at the grocery store in the hopes that he is as desperate for adult conversation as I am, and responding to incredibly gripping questions on Twitter, such as, what is your porn name?
(By the way, in case you are wondering, I’m Pepper Hopkins.)
Later this month, I will celebrate my 35th birthday, and it kinda shocks the hell out of me. Where did my 20’s go? What happened to the nights when I watched the clock, not to calculate how much longer my kids will be awake, but to figure out when I would be home from work and be sitting down to my first cocktail?
My life is not what it used to be….
In my 20’s, I exercised. By God, yes, I did. More specifically, I had a pair of running shoes that I used regularly. Now? I see something like Sit and Be Fit advertised on TV and think, hot damn that is for me. Is it possible to not move and still be fit? Apparently it is, but only if you are retired, physically limited, or suffer from chronic pain. Whatev. I still ordered the video. I’m pretty sure that before long I will be able to take down anyone 65 or older who wants to mess with me.
In my 20’s, I was annoyed by parents who couldn’t control their kids and make them be quiet. Couldn’t they exert some sort of influence and manage the situation properly? Now? I know better. There are meltdowns and tantrums that cannot be kept in check, only ignored. I find it works best to simply use the path of least resistance and pretend that my children belong to someone else when they act ridiculous.
In my 20’s, I never appreciated the beauty of a long shower or a closed door to the bathroom. Now? I may as well live in a nudist colony. There isn’t a man, woman, or child in my immediate vicinity who hasn’t seen me naked.
(Maybe Pepper Hopkins has a future yet.)
The other day I came to realization that I am less ambitious, fatter, less clean, more sarcastic, louder, and lazier than I used to be.
On the other hand, I am laugh more often, am more relaxed, and maybe, just maybe, am finally able to appreciate life’s little moments as they happen, rather than continually thinking about what comes next.
I will never be the girl I was in my 20’s again. She is gone for good.
However, the girl that took her place has got a few things going for her.
And that seems like a pretty good trade off to me.
-Francesca
I totally relate to that. Being a mom is the hardest job I’ve ever done. But it’s the best too. When I watch Addison wake up in the morning and she rolls over, a little disoriented and gives me a super cute smile? It’s like Christmas. I don’t want to miss that. And in order not to miss that I have to take the whole package (talking back, arguments etc.. from the two older ones).
Hope you are feeling well. Tell Dr W I said hi. Or the Jens… I miss all of them.
Liz´s last blog ..Snuggies for Seniors
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admin Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 6:30 am
Oh, Liz! I couldn’t agree more. Isn’t the entire staff so, so great? I swear to you I actually got excited when the office switched over to electronic records.
I believe I am a bit too invested in my OB’s office.
PS: You, me, and Baby # 3 have a date in August at the SF Bloggy Boot Camp. Should I go into labor, you’re my girl. I will bring the towels.
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Hi pepper,
I worship you.
xoxo,
Freddie Monterey
kristin kaminski´s last blog ..Oh, L’amour ees een ze air!
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admin Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 6:32 am
We haven’t talked on the phone in a while and should remedy this. When can I give you a call? I need to make sure that you haven’t fallen into the exercise abyss again.
PS: Have you watched the Shear Genius episode I found for you yet? I will be expecting us to discuss!!
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I am more confident and comfortable in my own skin now, than I ever was in my 20s. When I turned 30, I was so excited. Now that I am almost 32, I realized that my utuerus probably looks like a prune, and I am very old,
Kristina P.´s last blog ..Throwing in the Bowel
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Cheeka Reply:
March 16th, 2010 at 7:13 pm
32 is old??? Ha Ha Ha–HA
You will look back in 5 years and wonder if you were ever really that young….and stupid
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Beautiful post, Fran. I think about these things often. And especially what sort of booming career “Susie Knollwood” might have.
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admin Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 6:33 am
Susie Knollwood has GREAT potential. After reading everyone’s stripper names, I am now motivated to open up a strip club and employ all of my blogging friends.
There is an untapped market that I think we could really take by storm.
xo
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feeling a kinship with Pepper.
I could have written this post. I think there are probably more in our boat than we realize.
Courtney´s last blog ..St. Louis Gooey Butter Cake
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I may have awhile left in my 20s (5 years and less than a month, to be exact…sort of), I hear ya. I was very driven to be a teacher. And I never once thought about staying home. I used to be in sports (although I am trying to get into shape again).
And then I had my son. And then another. I’m more than happy to stay home (most days) and hang out with them. I’m even thinking about homeschooling!
S Club Mama´s last blog ..wisdom from the S Club
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“only if you are retired, physically limited, or suffer from chronic pain. Whatev. I still ordered the video.”
For this, you are my hero!
I aspire to be like you one day, maybe just two kids, but totally want to be like you. I don’t think I’m brave enough to tackle labor three times, I’m scared to even give it a try.
Sevi´s last blog ..wednesday eye candy.
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admin Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 6:34 am
You are going to be the most fabulous mother someday, Sevi. Your drive, energy, and willingness to just get a little crazy is going to have your kids worshiping you.
Plus, think of the matching Halloween costumes y’all can have.
Hope midterms are going OK!
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I think if I did a then and now post, not much would’ve changed. Talk to me in 10 more years:)
Barbara´s last blog ..Apparently I Feel Like Being Random Today
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I love this post…yes, we can miss those earlier days of complete freedom, flexibility and just the simple ability to shower in peace. But if we could go back to those days, we’d miss the noise and chaos. Hard to believe but I know we would.
Love the pics…Lucia’s face cracks me up. She looks like she wants to say, “Who are these people? Someone help me find my real family!”
Helene´s last blog ..Deep thoughts…with Cole and Bella
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admin Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 6:36 am
It’s funny, Helene. I actually thought about you as I was writing this post. I still remember the day we spent together with our kids and how utterly chaotic it was. However, looking back, it was pretty great too.
There will come a day when our homes are quiet. Whatever will we blog about then?
xoxo
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I think that you just spoke to the heart of every 30ish mother out there. Sometimes, the ache that I have to be young and single again is so strong that I feel it will suffocate me. But then in next moment, one of the kids will make me laugh so hard I pee myself or give me one of those slobbery kisses only a 2 yr old can and then I know, I wouldn’t trade any of this to go back to being single.
Jen @ buried with children´s last blog ..Hiding
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Very funny. Gonna have to google that Sit and Be Fit doo-dad. I laughed, also, at Jen @ buried with children. Those darn kids are responsible for making us pee ourselves in more ways than one.
patois´s last blog ..Village People, Only Not Dressed So Wingnut Except Me
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Wonderfully said! I say the 30s are the best and you are correct about the trade-offs, they are well worth it.
Gwen´s last blog ..The Grinch Goes to School
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So true!
I love these pictures!
BTW- I am a closer to 50 than 40…and still feel the same way, Only more tired.
Wendy Goldstein´s last blog ..The One in Which She Has Too Much Ability
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I wish I could have the confidence and wisdom (such as it is) that I have now in the body I had at 23. I don’t want to be that insecure, reckless, immature person again, but I would kill for her abs.
Looking forward to meeting you this weekend!
Carabee´s last blog ..36
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admin Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 6:40 am
AMEN! I adored what you wrote there. Thank you!! That 20-something year old girl had no idea how good she and her body had it. Eating absolutely whatever I wanted and not having to worry about my body was a very, very good thing.
Bring back her body, but leave all that emotional crap by the way side.
PS: I wish we’d had a chance to spend more time together in Baltimore. I wanted to talk to you about your fabulous wedding in Cabo. Loved the pictures I’ve seen.
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great post. it spoke to me for sure! it’s so hard but so worth it.
kat´s last blog ..You have a baby. In a car.
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Oh. The 20s. I don’t want them back but there are plenty that I miss. Also. Thanks for the tip. Sit and Fit. Ordering now.
Stefanie´s last blog ..a hot mess
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The me of my 20s is long gone…but for me, it’s a good riddance situation. I’m much more comfortable with my 30 something self (but oh, if I could have 27-year-old me’s body again…)
amber´s last blog ..A Look Back…
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What a great post.
I’ve been mourning my youth lately so this is a very timely read! Love it.
Kathy´s last blog ..The Chore Chart
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I’d say more than a few good things
Great post. I wish the me of today could go back in time to tell my high school, even college self…it’s all going to be good.
Jen@ODBT´s last blog ..ww: hot air
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admin Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 6:42 am
So, so true. The knowledge I’ve gained as I’ve gotten older is really something that I would love to be able to pass onto my own children when the time is right.
They need to know that you will come out of your 20s and everything is going to be more than just OK.
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Very well written. And I can so relate to the privacy or complete lack thereof… one of these days I will get dressed/go to the bathroom without someone trying to help me.. won’t I??
Emmy´s last blog ..Restaurant Nightmares
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What a fantastic perspective! Thank God we all laugh more, because if we didn’t it would like being at the Dentist everyday. Great blog. Keep it up!
Cheers,
Julie
Julie @stage-mama.com´s last blog ..Broadway Baby: The Star Spangled Girl Jr.
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Those pictures left me with a huge smile on my face. I love it.
Lolli´s last blog ..Fishful in New York
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admin Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 6:44 am
I’ve had those pictures hanging on my refrigerator forever…thinking someday I will write a post and use them. It is funny how much time something like that can take.
It was so, so good to reconnect with you last weekend, my friend. The kind of good that makes your heart feel full and suddenly you know that something good is happening in the world. You looked amazing and I couldn’t be happier for you.
xo
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Oh, friend.
How right you are.
Even in the midst of (almost constant) chaos, I stop and think, “these are the best times of my life”. I know one day I will have clean floors, a quiet house, no laundry to fold, and I will miss these days like crazy.
And…great. Now I’m crying.
xo,
Keri
Keri ~ Forever Folding Laundry´s last blog ..Something for everyone.
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admin Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 6:47 am
BUT, you will have your lifelong friends who you get together with for lunch and shopping and far too much white wine drinking and “remember when’s” about your kids.
And there had better be grandchildren to spoil, or so help me.
We are lucky in life. So very lucky.
And now I’m crying…alone…at my computer…at 5:50 in the morning…because I love you.
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Okay, this was just totally awesome, Chessie. I loved every word of it.
Do you find that you miss the life you led in your 20s? I rarely do. Although, pretty soon I may be missing the life I led in my 30s. The big 4-0 is coming up this summer. Gulp.
Justine
)
Justine´s last blog ..Reflections
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admin Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 6:49 am
The big 4-0? Are you kidding me? How on earth is that possible?
I think this is definitely the cause for a celebration. How does a trip to the SF Bay Area sound? I’ll buy dinner?
Oh, and do I miss my 20-year old self? Sometimes, I do. I miss my utter independence, but that is dwindling as I get older.
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As an ex-PBS employee who worked in children’s programming and watched ALL of the shows, I loathed Caillou with everything I had. My office had a hole behind the door and I always wanted to stuff a Caillou doll in it so I could slam the handle against his face several times a day. But I wasn’t about to pay for one. And I never got any Caillou swag.
But I digress. What I meant to say was, HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY, PEPPER!
(See? Caillou still does bad things to me. He and his whiny-ass little sister who needs a real reason to whine…)
CK´s last blog ..bad mommy emergency kit
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admin Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 6:51 am
Your comment made me laugh out loud, CK. I now hold you responsible for the “I’m just a kid who’s 4, each day I grow some more” theme song.
There is a debt to be paid.
PS: How is the book going? I have been dying to ask you and hope to catch up on old post reading later this week.
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EXACTLY how I’m feeling as I approach the big 3-0.
The weird thing? I still think of myself as 25. I don’t know why that number sticks with me, but I will literally tell strangers that I’m 25 without thinking. Maybe it’s because that’s the year I became a mother? Who knows.
Sara´s last blog ..Here, There, and Everywhere
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Ah, yes. I’ll be 40 this year but still feel like a misfit teen most of the time. Evolving is a good thing.
Naomi´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday- Hula Girl/BMX Bandits
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Oh my god those are the cutest pictures EVER!
So your saying this having kids stuff is a good thing? You sure do look happy! I’m definitely trying it, I’ve decided to model my life after yours. I’ve got a long way to go!
My porn name is Sugar Sunset. Pretty sweet eh?
Pooba´s last blog ..I’m Bad
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admin Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 6:52 am
YOU WIN, Poob! Seriously, you have the best porn name EVAH.
Al needs this tattooed on his body somewhere. Stat.
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Pooba Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 8:59 am
Clearly I was meant to be a stripper.
Pooba´s last blog ..Heaven Called and They Want Their Rolls Back
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Isn’t it great that we can adjust to the different stages of life? I think laughter plays a huge part in that.
I’ve started using the lock on the bathroom door and letting everyone know they can use the bathroom right now or wait until I’m out! Sometimes it even works.
Sarah and the Gentlemen´s last blog ..The View with a Fish
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Well, I for one really like you as your 35 year old self. I think back to how I was in my early twenties and I don’t think I’d like myself all that much. I too am much more relaxed and fun.
At 41, part of me still feels like I’m 28, until I look in the mirror. Then I see the tell tale signs of age. Ugh! Keep having fun and stop worrying about the running shoes. They’ll be there when you want them again.
Jen´s last blog ..A little Olympic coverage goes a long way
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I love this post. I think you captured what most of us are feeling. I often think of the “Once in a Lifetime” song by the Talking Heads and think, yeah, really, how did I get here?!? But, even though my former self has changed dramatically, I could not be happier about the new person that has taken over.
Oh, and my porn name is Pepper, too. Ha!
-Aimee
Aimee @ Ain’t Yo Mama’s Blog´s last blog ..Review & Give-Away! Skin MD Natural Shielding Lotion
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For some reason I am crying and I don’t think it was written to make people cry….wow, I really loved this post!
Sadie at heyMamas
Sadie at heyMamas´s last blog ..Something a little different
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Like fine wine, life just gets better as you age.
megryansmom´s last blog ..You Capture – Hopeful
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admin Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 6:55 am
You are testament to that, my friend.
The love and joy that your family life brings you is amazing. I aspire.
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Isn’t it wonderful to be content and happy with your life! It’s easy to see from the pics how happy you are and your words describe a wonderful life.
YEAH YOU!!!!
Great post Francesca! Hope you are feeling good.
xo
Joanna Jenkins´s last blog ..Give, Get & Pop!
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Pepper. . 35 is NOTHING. I turned 38 this year. I behaved SO badly. I was mean to my husband – and not kidding, CRIED at the restaurant when I was told they were “out” of Proseco. I’m POSITIVE the waitress liked my steak before serving it to me. . I was that awful. 35 was so awesome. I think you’ve figured out that it’s going to be pretty good. I spent my bday dinner thinking, NEXT YEAR I WILL BE 39 WHICH IS THE LAST YEAR OF MY 30′s. But then I remember that the twenties kinda sucked, so can only hope that the forties are even better.
Paula (aka Marie Queensway)
adhocmom´s last blog ..Happy Birthday, Kinda. . Sorta
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Very nice trade off indeed..what a blessing family is!
Julie´s last blog ..Soft Pretzels
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Queenie here. Your family is gorgeous. I don’t know about you, but I’m loving my thirties. I’d rather be at this stage of my life than any other.
Esther´s last blog ..Just want you to know…
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it was so great meeting you IRL today! you exuded such a great vibe. hope to see u at Blogalicious.
JF
Justice Fergie´s last blog ..RHOC & RHNYC
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admin Reply:
March 9th, 2010 at 6:58 am
You are sweet, Stacy! It was great meeting you. I had no idea when I plopped my bottom in the seat next to yours what a great conversation I was in for. Thank you!
I checked out your bio on MamaLaw. Damn girl, you are impressive. Mom to 3 under the age of five, full time attorney, and blog conference coordinator, you redefine amazing.
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I am about to turn 34, and you are singing my tune. I’m not the same girl I used to be. But maybe, in my own way, I am better. At least, I sure hope so!
(And I have gotten rid of any of the clothes that may suggest otherwise. No need to go there, I say.)
Amber´s last blog ..Maternity Leave in Maple Ridge
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What a telling post! I turned 40 this past September and I sure am not the girl I was in my 20s either! Definitely worth the trade!
Teresa ~ A Single Mom & a Teenaged Girl´s last blog ..Friday Follow ~ March 5, 2010
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LOL!I was thinking the same thing, I got some highlights today hoping that I got the same look as I did back in my twenties, it doesn’t look the same, maybe because I’m older? I was also thinking about all the things that used to be my priorities and boy have they changed!My bday’s this month too and I guess it’s a normal process for one to look back and compare. I’m very excited to be 35 this month, after working hospice I realize how lucky I am!I hope you have a wonderful birthday, love the pictures you guys took. You have a beautiful family!
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I would take the “lovies” any day too!! Better to have love!
I tagged you on my latest post. Come see when you get a chance
)
Have a great rest of your day!!
Kimmy´s last blog ..In 10 years….
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Seriously, you could be my twin. I’ll have to look up Sit and Be Fit! Although in college, I did not work out regularly (a bit of rebellion from being a gymnast for 7 years). A friend and I once worked out to a kickboxing video and got winded during the warm up…that’s pretty much how I feel these days!
Christy´s last blog ..mini pizzas
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Caillou does instill educational and social values quite well. Especially when it comes to sibling rivalry, he can teach us a few lessons. Our store carries a wide variety of Caillou books and Caillou DVDs that touch upon these topics.
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Francesca,
I didn’t get to ‘officially’ meet you in Baltimore, at Bloggy Boot Camp — Boo!
This post is beautiful — and it sounds so much like me. I was a major career girl in my 20s as well, since I only had one child then. Fast forward to now, with 4 children, and staring down the back door of 40, and it’s no secret that the job I hold most near and dear to my heart is motherhood.
I have loved my 30′s so much more than my 20s — I’m happier, more sure of myself, and all around, a much better person.
Happy Birthday, and maybe I’ll get to meet you for real at an upcoming BBC.
Dianna´s last blog ..Birthday Cupcakes and More ……
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francesca Reply:
April 5th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
Such an amazing comment, Dianna. Thank you!
We definitely need to try to connect in person sometime in the future. I am bummed that I missed my first opportunity. Let’s not make the same mistake again.
Any chance that you will be in Phoenix for BBC at the beginning of May?
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